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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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"If practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, why practice?"
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A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!
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You know you're old when the candles cost more than the cake.
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People will believe anything if you whisper it.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.
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There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
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No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy.
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The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
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Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
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"My girlfriend said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Dear, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
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Last night I was looking at the stars and I wondered...where the hell's my ceiling!
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K SS MY SS would you like to buy a vowel?
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Confucius say: to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better.
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When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
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You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.
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Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.
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"Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot."
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"You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is, 'never try'."
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If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
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There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
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It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
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Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
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"Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from many, it's research."
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You know you're old when the candles cost more than the cake.
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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
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I'm never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.
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Confucius say: man who stand on toilet is high on pot
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"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
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Luck is my middle name!
Unfortunately, my first name is bad.
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